


A Lesbian Walks into a Bar (Stand-up Comedy AU-ish)

by chestnut0407



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-05
Updated: 2018-08-05
Packaged: 2019-06-19 08:03:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,491
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15505941
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chestnut0407/pseuds/chestnut0407
Summary: Maggie leads Winn and James to their usual alien dive bar. She may have to put a quote unquote “their” since recently Alex’s been coming here alone a lot more often. And today they are here to find out why.





	A Lesbian Walks into a Bar (Stand-up Comedy AU-ish)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Courteney](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=Courteney).



 

Maggie leads Winn and James to their usual alien dive bar. She may have to put a quote unquote “their” since recently Alex’s been coming here alone a lot more often. And today they are here to find out why.

 

“Summer Sonic,” Maggie answers this week’s password for the dive bar.

 

The bouncer opens the door to let them in. The group quickly finds some seats closest to the stage, reserved by Alex for the Superfriends gang.

 

“Where’s Kara?” James asks.

 

“She’s on some mission with Papa Bear. They will fly here once they’re done.” Winn quickly answers. The lights go out: the show is about to start.

 

As soon as the spotlight hits the stage, M’gann lurches onto the stage, “Wow the heat wave sure is insane out there. I know you’re all either very excited for tonight’s open-mic comedy or you’re all just here for the air-condition or the booze in your hand.”

 

That earns a few laughs.

 

“See a lot of familiar faces there. Tonight’s first performer is a fierce agent, who loves her dibs as well as she loves her drinks. Give it up for Agent Danvers.” Crowds start to cheer.

 

Alex walks onto the stage raising her wine glass, grabbing the standing microphone. “A lesbian walks into an alien bar…” People started laughing. You can actually see the proud face Alex is showing when she finds Maggie to be quite surprised but also the bashfulness of doing something she’s not quite use to.

 

“A lesbian walks into an alien bar by mistake. She sits down at the bar and orders a drink.” Alex plucks up her courage to continue her joke.

 

“She sips her drink for a while. The lesbian announced, ‘I have an alien joke to tell.’”

 

“The bar turns dead quiet. The girl sitting next to her says, ‘Before you tell your joke, I’d just like to inform you that:

 

  1. The bartender is a Martian.  
  
2\. The bouncer is an Infernian.  
  
3\. I’m a pro-alien activist, 5’2’’, 100 pounds and have a black belt in karate.  




So now that you know this, are you sure you want to tell your alien joke?’

 

The lesbian shakes his head and says, ‘Oh. Well, never mind then.’

 

The lesbian laughs and says, ‘I thought so, you don’t want to get your pretty ass kicked, do ya.’

 

The lesbian replies, ‘No, it’s not that, I just don’t want to have to political-correct the jokes.’”

 

A few boos appear from the audience.  


“That’s how I got my ass kicked.” Alex clarifies.

 

“And that’s also how I met my girlfriend.” She later adds.

 

Some of the audiences from the corner are whistling and if you squint your eyes you can see a faint color of green skins and suit of blues and cape of red. Looks like the Green Martian and the Kryptonian just arrive at the bar, deciding to take the seat in the far back so as not to disturb the rhythm of Alex’s gig.

 

“It’s World Cup season and I highly doubt that any lesbian would walking into a bar willingly.”

 

Alex sips her wine.

 

“I come from a small Californian town and my only understanding of soccer comes from after-school tryouts and summer camps.”

 

“We didn’t have Grindr or Tinder then, we had summer camps.” Alex adds.

 

“I see a lot of confused looks down there, com’on I thought I walk into a gay-friendly bar!”

 

“Most of the regulars here know Maggie. Yes, She’s the gorgeous lady sitting at the very front role and yes she hates it when I try to make jokes out of our life.”

 

The audiences turn their heads to find the woman Alex is speaking of.

 

“Have I mentioned how gorgeous she is?”

 

Maggie is blushing hard at Alex’s compliment.

 

“When Maggie and I start dating or even way before we start dating, there are a lot of gay panics. The thing is that we have all these movies and novels for gay teens dealing with their gay panic and coming out.” Alex feigns a sign.

 

“But what about the 30 something baby gays out there? What about the pre-gay and post-gay panic?”

 

“This one time, Maggie was mentioning to me her period was late and for a horrible second I thought I had gotten her pregnant.”

 

Alex continues after a short pause. “Then I remembered. We are lesbians.”

 

That line earns the first wave of laugher from the audience. More and more aliens are pushing into the dive bar to escape the hot summer air. Or they are here to enjoy M’gann’s new mix of cocktail, The Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster. Its effects are similar to having your brains smashed in by a slice of lemon wrapped around a large gold brick. It does sound like a more effective way to beat the heat than a cold beer.

 

“Have I mentioned how terrible a cook I am? Maggie is the chef in our house and I am only responsible for tearing off the smoke detector when necessary.”

 

Some audiences titter at Alex who acts to reach for the smoke detector. She immediately earns a warning glare from M’gann. You can even hear the knowingly snort from the front role seats.

 

“What? Lesbians don’t cook. We simply eat out.” The red-cape hero chokes her drink.

 

“I know this joke is way too old. And I am terribly sorry for Kara who really doesn’t need to hear any of this.”

 

“I’m sure she’s already known enough from flyin…” Alex suddenly remembers not everyone know Supergirl’s true identity. “I mean her interruption of our sex life is like a fly on the ceiling.”

 

“I forget to ask how’s everyone doin tonight?” Crowds woo.

 

“It’s actually been a tough few months…” Alex continues, “me and my partner work ungodly hours. We actually have little time to see each other while being awake. So we check up on each other every hour and try to text long love letters to each other every now and then.”

 

“One time I forgot to bring my phone to a 3 hour meeting. And you know for lesbians 3 hours without any sorts of communication is like 6 month of being radio-silent.”

 

When some of the audiences are laughing, Alex uses the opportunity to grab the wine glass from the stool near the microphone and takes another sip.

 

“The crazy working hour also has to do with my recent promotion.”

 

“Power to the girls.” The crowd cheers as Supergirl in the back shouts.

 

“Thank you. Thank you all. That’s very sweet. And that brings back to the memory when I ‘almost’ got a raise.”

 

“My superior at the time called me into his office and asked me sit down. He said, ‘Alex, we have notice you’re doing very well at your training and would like to give you a raise.’

 

Just as I was gonna say thank you sir. He added, ‘However…’ and I was thinking ‘this cannot be good.’

 

He said, ‘However we realized we have mistaken your gender the whole time and it seems like the salary your are earning now fits the 10% raise we are expecting to give you.’”

 

A few gasps come from the audience. “Thought I’d add some equal-pay bits in here.” She smirks. “Alright. Enough of the sarcasm.”

 

M’gann is signaling to Alex that her time is almost up.

 

“Any closing remarks?” M’gann asks.

 

“Yes. So I’m Agent Danvers. If you enjoy the last 10 minutes; I do accept booze as tips or any of those cute ladies number on coasters.” Alex jokes.

 

“Not on my watch!” Maggie indignantly stands up and asserts and reaches for the redhead onstage, grabbing her girlfriend down from the stage for a heated kiss.

 

“Aww. Well that’s my cue. We’ll take a quick break before our next performer is up. And girls stop making out right in front of the bar. Get your pretty asses out of here.” M’gann warns Alex and Maggie.

 

“Wow Danvers, I knew you can sing, but doing a standup comedy is far from what I could imagine.” Maggie nudges Alex’s arm with her elbow. Despite the teasing remark, Maggie’s fond eyes make Alex instantly more comfortable.

 

“Yeah, it’s slightly embarrassing. ” Alex has to admit.

 

“Winn, did you get all that? Send it to me!” Supergirl excitedly rushes to the front to meet the gangs.

 

“I have the whole thing video-taped. Right. Here.” Winn proudly points to his phone.

 

“I’ll take that.” Alex takes away Winn’s phone from his hand.

 

“Can’t leave a trace and let the whole department finds out their director-to-be is not scary as they think.” J'onn concurs with Alex.

 

“Too late it’s already gone viral on Kara’s twitter account.” James is being unhelpful. “Oh and Lena Luthor retweets, ‘Way to go Agent Danvers.’ ”

 

“Supergirl!” Both Alex and J'onn yell.

 

“Opps.”

 

“Don’t worry Danvers. You’re still the badass in our bed.”

 

“Ew! We really don’t need to know that.”

**Author's Note:**

> Many thanks to my beta reader vomisa72 being kind to read all my works despite being in a different fandom or supporting a different pairing. I tried to loosely relate to the Summer theme and hope Courtney whom this fic is for might enjoy it :)


End file.
